This has been on my Heart

Someone I follow on Tumblr posted this picture with the caption "This is what you do to Him. your body is God's temple". It made me remember a vision I once had.
If you have read my testimony, you know at one point in my life, I was deeply involved in cutting. (If you haven't read it-you should! thepastorskid.tumblr.com/testimony! Anyways-) After I got out of my addiction, I was praying one time. And I don't remember what I was praying or asking God about, but I remember all the sudden, I started getting this vision. I saw myself, sitting on the floor of my bathroom, with a razor in my hand, carefully cutting my own wrist. At first I was like "Oh, God-why are you showing me this?" But then, I realized something about the vision. I saw behind me, and man in white. I knew immediatly that it was Jesus. He was looking right at me cutting myself. And as I looked into Jesus' eyes, I saw that He was...crying. But not just a few tears or crying a little bit. I looked and saw that Jesus Christ-the creator of the world, the ultimate sacrifice-was weeping. He was broken hearted, and I knew it. It was like I could feel his heart breaking for me. Tears were streaming down His face. And the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said "This is how I felt. You hurt yourself, but it hurt me also."
In reality, I began to cry. "Oh God-forgive me! Forgive me!" I remember saying. And all I really remember after that is feeling a peaceful sensation and feeling as though Jesus was saying "I already have."
Have you ever thought about that, though? When you do something that hurts you-whether shooting up drugs or cutting yourself or drinking too much or whatever you might do that isn't good for you-it not only hurts you. It hurts Jesus also. It hurts his heart. His heart breaks-for us. Have you ever thought of that? I know I never did. But it changed the way I thought of things. I got this thought: I am God's creation, and when I would injure and hurt myself, I was hurting his creation. I was insulting him. But He loves me wholly, and all I did was scar and hurt his art. I don't deserve his love. Yet he gives it too me anyway. That's the beauty and greatness of Jesus Christ and God's unfailing love. We never deserve it, but it's always ours to take.

Your Eyes, Your Ears, and Your Heart

This weekend, I have been at a church confrence. It's been so great, hearing all these speakers being used and hearing the Holy Spirit speak through them. Last night, the speaker, Pastor G.F. Watkins, spoke about the Holy Spirit, and the babtism of the Holy Spirit, and speaking in tounges. I liked the way he explained speaking in tounges-he said "When the Holy Spirit babtizes you, he gives you a language and way to speak to God-one your brain can't mess up." I never thought of it that way, but it makes sense. Many times I've prayed, using my own words, and stumbled over my words or lost focus on what I was praying about-but when I pray in the Spirit, I feel peaceful-like I know what I'm praying is what I need to be praying about. I liked that explanation alot. So what does that have to do with your ears, eyes, and heart? Nothing at all actually, because all I just said is not what I actually wanted to blog about. So I think I'll talk about that. :)
What I really wanted to blog about was what Pastor G.F. Watkins' wife, Rose Watkins, preached about. She used a verse in Matthew, where Jesus is explaining why he told parables. The version she used said (I don't remember which version it was, but it went something like this-) "They have ears, but cannot hear. They have eyes, but their eyes are closed. They have hearts, but their hearts have grown dull." She then went on to say, "What about your ears? When was the last time you really heard from God? What about your eyes? When do you open them to see things the way God sees them? And what about your heart? Has your heart grown dull?" She talked about herself, and how she went through some hard times recently, and to her, reading her bible and praying became routine things. But she said, weeping, that now, she can't be in the precence of God, read her bible, or pray without hungering for more, and desiring it and looking deeper into it. Her altar call was for if you felt like your eyes are closed, and you want to see things the way God sees them, if your ears aren't hearing, and you want to hear God speak, or if your heart has grown dull, and you want it to become soft again. I went up because I felt like that's where I am right now. I still read my Bible everyday, I still worship, I still pray-but I feel like it's just routine. Like I'm not going deeper. Like God isn't speaking. Like I've gotten a bit dull. And I want that to change. I wanna go deeper. I wanna hear God speak to me. I want him to speak to me through everything and everyone. I want to see things like God does. I want to be like that woman, Rose, and weep at the mere mention of being in the presence of God. I want God to sharpen my heart.
So my question I leave you with is this: What about you? What's the condition of your eyes, your ears, and your heart?

Beauty from Pain

This morning, I was reading my Bible with my Mom, and we were reading in John when Jesus died on the cross and said to his disciple and mother "This is now your son, and this is now your mother." We started talking about why God did that. And somehow, my mom mentioned something about going through hard times and trials and suffering. We started talking about he God uses other people's suffering and does something amazing out of it, much like Jesus dying on the cross-his suffering-bringing out salvation. And here is what I said:
"

I know how that is. You know how I blog, Mom? Well I try to be real and blog
about my life. I blogged once about how God saved me from sin, and used a quote
from the movie Tron. I talked about how this character said she felt like she
was dying, and then she felt a hand on her shoulder and there, above her, was
the creator. I talked about how even though this is a fiction charachter talking
about a fake creator, it can be so deep. I talked about how I felt like I was
dying in my sin, but God put his hand on my shoulder and gave me a reason to
live. Mom, someone commented on that blog and said 'I don't know who you are,
and it doesn't matter who I am, but I am going through some tough times.' Mom,
my blog is helping people. I look at the stats, and people on the other side of
the world read my blog. I blog about my pain, and it helps other people on the
other side of the world. But get this, Mom-you know what made me want to blog?
Reading a book about BJ Higgins, and how his parents started a blog when THEY
were going though hard times. Their pain inspired me, and my pain inspires
people on the other side of the world."

I find that so amazing-God can take such sad things-like the Higgins family losing their son, or a depressed and bitter girl who was addicted to cutting-and use them for good. He can do that with your hard times and struggles to-if you'll only let Him. I hope that thought encourages you in some small (or big) way.

Tron and my life

So I just watched the movie "Tron", and this quote stood out to me:
"Just as everything was about to go black, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes, and there, standing above me, was the creator." -Quorra
I think this quote stood out to me because I kinda knew what she was talking about (even though she was talking about a fictional story and creator). She was talking about a time in her life when she was at the point of death-everyone around her was dead, and she was waiting to die just like them-and unexpectedly, her "creator" came and saved her. I thought "I've been there. I know how that feels."
At one time in my life, I was dying in my sin. I had nothing else to live for. Everyone I knew was dying in their sin. So I though I had nothing else. I laid down, and waited to die in my sin. When out of nowhere, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I felt someone saying "I'm here for you. get up." And when I opened my eyes, I saw my creator was there-God. He revived me. He gave me a reason to live. He gave me a reason to get up and go on with life. It's because of him that I am alive and joyful. He gave me life.
So I know this is shorter than some of my other blogs, but I just figured it was worth posting. :)

Easter :)

So it's Easter Sunday. And I like how thoughtful it makes me be. :)
I was just thinking about Jesus and all that he did for us. How He gave up his life. You know, even though he was Jesus, and he knew he would rise again, I think that was still a hard thing to do-give up his life, go through all that pain-for...me? Why? What did I do to deserve such love? What did I do to deserve someone to die for me? To give up their life?
And the answer-I have done nothing. On the contrary-I have done everything NOT to deserve someone to die for me. I have done everything to deserve to die myself. But through God's amazing grace, mercy, and unfailing love, I have been given this gift-this amazing gift of life and joy and peace. And I can't help but think-why?
Why would Jesus want to give up their life for some girl who abused herself-his creation, who cursed his name, who disowned him, questioned him, and denied him access to her heart so many times? Why would Jesus want to do that?
Because he loves me.
His unfailing love.
I've been reading the One Year Bible everyday since January 1st, and the version I'm reading (New Living Translation) has really showed me some great things. One of my favorite things about this version is the way it describes God's love-it never simply says "your love"-it says "your UNFAIING love". I love that. It really makes me grateful for Jesus's unfailing love-it will never leave me, never let me down like humans will. So it was Jesus's unfailing love that saved me. That wants me. That loves me wholly-a love that now parent, friend, boyfriend, or person can ever really give me.

Surely your goodness and UNFAILING LOVE will PURSUE me all the days of my
life, and i will live in the house of the Lord FOREVER. -Psalm 23:6

Without Jesus Christ, God could never do that. He couldn't pursue me, because he would trip over my sin and baggage that I left behind. But Jesus took all my baggage and sin. He made me a new person through him.
Maybe you're reading this blog and you're like "Man-this chick is crazy. She doesn't know all i've done or am doing. I can't get this." But you can. It's yours-free to take. No one can take it away or make him love you any less-not even yourself.
So think about that today, where ever you are-if you're just at home, browsing the web, or in church, or all alone. Think about how Jesus Christ gave up his life for you.

I'll set you as a seal, upon my heart-as a seal upon my arm. For there
is love-it is as strong as death-jealousy demanding as the grave. And many
waters cannot quench this love.

Whew I haven't posted in awhile...

Okay...so I feel like it's been forEVER since I posted. Well, I have a few short things to say.

1) Bible reading. If you read my New Year's post, you would know that I said one of the things I wanted to do was to keep up with reading my Bible and finish it in a year. Well since January 1st, I have kept up with it everyday. I feel accomplished and God has spoken to me so much through it. Let me just show you what I read last night:

"Teach me your ways, Oh Lord

That I may live according to your truth.

Grant me purity of heart,

So that I may honor you.

With all my heart, I will praise you,

Oh Lord, my God.

I will give glory to your name forever,

For your love is great.

You have rescued me from the depths of death."

-Psalms 86:11-13

That verse just meant alot to me. I really loved it, and it made me want to make that my life's prayer. Teach me your ways Oh Lord. Grant me purity of heart. I love it. I want to live my life like that. Praising God, living my life to honor him, because of what he's done and how he rescued me. So think about it. I know this verse will definitely be in my heart and spirit for awhile, and I'm gonna be meditating on it quite a bit for the next few days...or weeks...or months...or whenever. :)

2) Check out my testimony! I posted it on my tumblr blog. Here is the link. http://thepastorskid.tumblr.com/testimony I hope it encourages someone somehow or speaks into someone's life.

And that's all I really have to say...I hope to start blogging more often. God bless! :)

-A Christian Teenage Girl

Kill Two Birds with One Blog

Tonight (or this morning, or this afternoon...whatever), I'm going to "Kill Two Birds with One Stone"-or cover two topics in one blog. Here we go:

1) Okay, so maybe you've read my post titled "Redefining Normal", maybe you haven't. (you should, because it's really good.) Anyways, God has been reminding me of this lately. Redefining Normal. I've noticed something. I've been praying for God to give me his heart, and when I did, I started noticing things I never noticed. Like how it is really "normal" for a Christian teenager to NOT live their life like it. It's "normal" for Christian teenagers to live their lives at double standards. And this has been driving me crazy. Ask my mom. Me and my mom have a good relationship, and one night, I was talking to her about this-teenagers I know who have to potential to be great leaders for God, but live double lives. I talked about one who cusses when we go out for lunch, and then fasts once a week to pray. I talked about another one who has such high faith, but listens to "dirty" music-music that uses "the f-word" MULTIPLE times-and when I asked this person about it, their reply was that it was fine. I talked about one who can pray in the spirit for hours on end, but dresses "not so modest" when we go to the mall or movies-and when I told this person that, thinking she would be thankful I cared about it, she said "Eh-nah. It's fine". I brought up so many examples of teenagers I know who CAN be great leaders, but don't go the whole way because they're too busy leading double lives. And for some reason, I got incredibly angry. I didn't understand why, but then I realizes-I had been praying for God's heart, and He'd given me a piece of it. I wasn't angry at the people I was mentioning, but the fact that they openly lead double lives. I don't understand how we can think this is okay? I don't get it how we can have leaders and people stand up for what's right and wrong-when they live these double lives! It makes no sense to me. Why don't we want to change the way we live and live realistically and "practice what we preach"? I wonder-what has it come to when it is "normal" to hear cuss words come out of our own mouth, or to put then into our spirit with the music we listen to, or to dress unmodest-how did we get to the state where this is normal for Christians? Where no one will stand up and say "This is not right!" I'm not saying I'm perfect, or that I have it all together-no, this blog is as much for me as it is for you. I sin. And I feel convicted, and ask for forgiveness. But when you regularly lead a double life, it's hard to feel conviction or feel God speak to you. This normalicy of a double life blows my mind. But it made me realize something-that we have a MAJOR need to "redefine normal"-if this is what normal is, I want to change it. (one bird down.)

2) Lately, in my little Christian school, I've been a bit irritable about something. Complaining against leadership. I've been praying for this too. And something was brought to my attention:
I've been reading Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers (headed towards Deuteronomy-) in my daily Bible reading. And you know what I noticed? The Isrealites complaints and murmurings kept them out of the promised land for years and years. And it was like they didn't get it. They just kept complaining-specifically against Moses and Aarron. So here's the thing that hit me-their complaining cost them something huge. And I've noticed this also-it's really easy to complain about leadership. But as the Isrealites showed-it's never a good idea. It doesn't work. One time, God brough a plague on them. Once he made snakes come and bite them. And it goes on and on, their punishment for complaining. (And that's not even mentioning the fact that they were stuck in the wilderness forEVER.) So all this to say-your words have power. One time, the Isrealites where whining, saying "Oh we'll never make it. Blah blah blah." And God said "Okay-I'll give you what you've been speaking over yourselves-you WON'T make it into the promised land. Sorry. You said, not me." So pretty much, be careful what you say, because it could hold you back from the great things God has promised you. (two birds with one blog. Done.)